From Surviving to Thriving: Who am I Now?

The other day I got a nasty email from someone I had long ago cut out of my life. I immediately went into fight mode and wanted to shoot off a defensive email back with “receipts” and long paragraphs explaining how right I was and how wrong they were (it’s the Virgo in me). I had to take the afternoon to write an email I knew I wouldn’t send so I could safely express my anger, and then tend to my wounded parts that were hurt by their email. Once I was regulated, I realized it wasn’t worth my energy to respond, and I felt much better.

This is how our nervous system goes from the window of tolerance (safe, boundaried, calm) to fight/flight/or freeze mode, and then soothed back to the window of tolerance. It’s normal and happens in response to life’s stressors. When we’ve grown up in chaotic environments or with parents who didn’t meet our emotional needs, our nervous systems get primed to have a teeeeeny tiny window of tolerance and swing back and forth between fight, flight, and freeze. It’s exhausting. And honestly, you don’t really feel like yourself because you’re always reacting to things instead of acting of your own accord.

So who are you when you aren’t constantly in survival mode?

At first, soothing yourself and maintaining a calm window of tolerance can feel uncomfortable or even boring. When you aren’t in constant crisis or chaos or excitement it’s…well, dull. But your nervous systems and your mental health will thank you in the long run. Soothing yourself can be done in many ways: therapy, exercise, meditation, journaling, socializing with friends, gardening, listening to music, etc. You get to decide what feels good to you.

So you’ve done the things…now what? It’s time to explore who you are. What you like. What you don’t like. What your passions are. Maybe there are things you loved as a kid that you want to revisit or always wanted to try. Maybe you’ve been holding yourself back from doing something because you’ve been worried about others’ perceptions of you. Who would you be if you didn’t constantly have to battle your nervous system to survive? Write it down.

Want to continue and go deeper? Join my virtual group for adult children of emotionally immature parents starting June 12th. We’re going to tackle these topics and much more.

The gift of an art and nature women’s wellness retreat…

This past weekend I co-hosted an art and nature-based women’s wellness retreat in Maple, Wisconsin right on the shores of Lake Superior. We stayed in a huge renovated barn that was both rustic and luxurious with huge leather couches and a wood-fired sauna and hot tub. I nicknamed myself the Fire Ogre because I spent the better part of two days stoking fires for guests in between activities. At one point I was literally stirring the hot tub with a paddle to warm the waters. It was both hilarious and infuriating, but it added to the ambiance and camaraderie in a way I can’t explain.

In fact, there was a lot about the retreat weekend I can’t seem to put into words. The way the everyone showed up in a loving and vulnerable way to care for themselves, but also hold space for others in the group. It was truly a magical weekend. One thing I love about hosting retreats is the inherent healing power of communing with other women. This weekend was no different.

My co-host, Maddie Johnson, uses art as a process (rather than a product) and it helps people use their creativity to access their intuition. I found myself not wanting to stop art making, even though my 8th grade art teacher stifled my creativity by saying all of my pieces were “uhhh whimsical” and not the good kind of whimsy. Maddie has a way of guiding you to let go of your inner critic and really play with art materials in a way that feels good. Maddie and I also have a way of goofing off to the point where we’re laughing until we cry, which either attracts or deters guests…we’ll never quite know.

Working with Maddie is what makes my passion for retreats come to life, and the guests are the icing on top. Not to mention, the fact that we get to support other women-owned businesses in the process! We had Desiree Jenkins from MamaRootsBus nourishing us with delicious food all weekend long, Liane Olson from Let Movement Nuture Openings Yoga providing gentle yoga and sound baths, and Ashlee Gulden-Bennett from Pine Sugar Photography capturing everything on camera.

If you are interested in learning more about our retreats, feel free to send me an email: madelynsteen@hushmail.com. I’d love to chat about it!