From Surviving to Thriving: Who am I Now?

The other day I got a nasty email from someone I had long ago cut out of my life. I immediately went into fight mode and wanted to shoot off a defensive email back with “receipts” and long paragraphs explaining how right I was and how wrong they were (it’s the Virgo in me). I had to take the afternoon to write an email I knew I wouldn’t send so I could safely express my anger, and then tend to my wounded parts that were hurt by their email. Once I was regulated, I realized it wasn’t worth my energy to respond, and I felt much better.

This is how our nervous system goes from the window of tolerance (safe, boundaried, calm) to fight/flight/or freeze mode, and then soothed back to the window of tolerance. It’s normal and happens in response to life’s stressors. When we’ve grown up in chaotic environments or with parents who didn’t meet our emotional needs, our nervous systems get primed to have a teeeeeny tiny window of tolerance and swing back and forth between fight, flight, and freeze. It’s exhausting. And honestly, you don’t really feel like yourself because you’re always reacting to things instead of acting of your own accord.

So who are you when you aren’t constantly in survival mode?

At first, soothing yourself and maintaining a calm window of tolerance can feel uncomfortable or even boring. When you aren’t in constant crisis or chaos or excitement it’s…well, dull. But your nervous systems and your mental health will thank you in the long run. Soothing yourself can be done in many ways: therapy, exercise, meditation, journaling, socializing with friends, gardening, listening to music, etc. You get to decide what feels good to you.

So you’ve done the things…now what? It’s time to explore who you are. What you like. What you don’t like. What your passions are. Maybe there are things you loved as a kid that you want to revisit or always wanted to try. Maybe you’ve been holding yourself back from doing something because you’ve been worried about others’ perceptions of you. Who would you be if you didn’t constantly have to battle your nervous system to survive? Write it down.

Want to continue and go deeper? Join my virtual group for adult children of emotionally immature parents starting June 12th. We’re going to tackle these topics and much more.